Agent Double-O Panic: Anxiety & Identity

Anxiety is an identity thief.

Not the “click this link & haha, now I have your information” type that you never see. Nope. Anxiety is the kind of identity thief that pretends to be your friend, steals your credit cards, helps you “look” for them, and then buys you a meal on your dollar to “cheer you up” as they order shit online while sitting on your couch.

Anxiety is a whole bitch.

Ask anyone who suffers with it in any form, and they will tell you that it caused noticeable changes to their personality. There becomes this dividing line of who you were & what you were like before it got bad. It changes your thought processes, your perceptions, your reactions, and even your abilities. It makes you feel like a stranger in your own mind. There is this alien presence named “anxiety”, and when it’s rearing its head, you feel disassociated from self…because that isn’t “you”…but it very much is. It’s not anyone else. Your observing self is watching it & trying to reason, but it’s loud and forceful. How am I losing an argument to myself, damn it? It’s a hard thing to live with, and we haven’t even touched on the accompanying physical symptoms. All this just because anxiety wants to be you so bad it won’t let YOU be you….hating ass bitch.

Anxiety ruined my credit before I even had a chance to establish it. I was diagnosed by the age of 7 with it due to anxiety manifesting in body focused repetitive behavior (used to bite the skin off around my fingernails & the insides of my cheeks/lips). My before time is beyond the scope of my memory function. Until recently, I didn’t even know myself without it. I’ve always said that itt shaped my curls…twisting, wild, and unable to conform. We’ve been together that long.

As I was preparing to begin therapy, I had the realization that I literally do not even know what I’m like without anxiety. It made me wonder if I would even like myself. Ain’t that about a bitch? This thing that is so tumultuous had become such a concrete piece of my identity that I doubted if I’d like ME had it been taken away. If you follow me on Twitter, you may remember the thread I did the night that hit me. What kind of messed up Stockholm Syndrome…oh hell no.

I knew then that this had to change. At that point, I had no idea how or what to do…but it had to change. We have the ability to become numb & adjust to problematic situations without taking a moment of true assessment, but once you realize the depth of how fucked up something is, change begins to demand itself.

During a meeting with my therapist, I brought it up briefly in a discussion about making goal lists to keep a focus, and what actual goals I’m working on. Basically shared that I was trying to get to know myself, and sort through my goals/plans I had made prior to beginning medication and therapy. I was trying to ascertain what I really wanted to do. I wanted to give myself space to get to know myself for real, and find a career/life that worked for me in a healthy manner. Nothing too deep, right? Yea, I thought so…until she hit me with a left hook.

“While you’re making these goals & figuring them out, I’d like to challenge you. Make a separate goal list. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be seen? You mentioned having no before time, so who do you want to be in the now time?”

Mind. Blown. Poof.

Who do you want to be, and how do you want to be seen in the now time? Those are probably the two most powerful questions that have been asked of me in years.

I spent days with it circulating in my head. Who do I want to be? What an amazing & powerful right to realize that you have.

Guess what. Despite every controlling lie that society & anxiety has taught you, we ALL have that right. Any time we damn well choose. Who do YOU want to be, and how do YOU want to be seen. We are not statues, nor is any part of our insides or mental state set it stone or concrete.

Now, let’s take a moment and stop here. Yall know I’m not with that bullshit blabber.

“Just think positive and it will go away. You have to attract peace…..be positive”

I’m absolutely positive that I’ll smack you dead in your shit. How about that? Attractive enough for you?

Mental health issues are not a choice. Period. Full stop.

But other parts of ourselves are. And by working on & through them, we can subtly help our anxiety bit by bit. Ourselves are not a thing to fear. They are beings to understand. Not the “self” that has been shaped by society, marginalization, anxiety, and fear. That’s not YOU. That’s one mask that you have. That’s your Agent Double-O Panic Mask. Your SELF…the integral, primordial you…that being is yours. Your self belongs to YOU. You’re not required to sift through the ashes to piece yourself back together again. You are allowed to add water to those ashes, make clay, and create a new thing. Take a moment to let that settle before you move on. Write it down if you need to.

So, I’m asking you now…who do you want to be, and how do you want to be seen in your now time? What traits or habits do you want to develop? Which would you like to change? Which are you in love with, and want to learn how to highlight?

This doesn’t have to be some extensive list. Actually, I think it’s better if it’s something you work on bit by bit as you discover yourself. Personally, I only came up with 3 things so far:

1. I wanted to be balanced & calm.
2. I wanted to be known as a writer again.
3. I wanted pretty handwriting (yes, your things can be that simple)

Mindfulness ain’t magic all of a sudden. Don’t go thinking you write this stuff down, and wake up the next morning with bells & birds chirping. This is not a Disney film, and if it is, someone severely shorted me on the magic housekeeping assisted by singing animals.

These are conscious choices, and they require you to make conscious action. For me to have pretty handwriting, I have to practice writing. To be seen as a writer, I have to…uhm…write (you see me). To be balanced and calm, I have to actively participate in my therapy & work on healing and discovering myself in the process. This is why I recommend starting with just a few items on your list. Anxiety sufferers tend to deal with overwhelm a lot, and we are known to self sabotage by overthinking & over planning. Pick 1–3 things, and come up with like 1–3 actions. Try to incorporate them into your daily life as much as possible. As you go on this pilgrimage to you, you’ll discover more in time. No pressure, beloveds.

Let’s go ahead and address the imposter syndrome you’re going to feel NOW, and slap that flicted mf aside. You decide & define you. No one but you can tell you who you are. No one but you had a right to decide on that shit in the first damn place. You are yours. If you want to be a painter while riding a horse and eating nachos, so damn be it. And please send pics. Imposter syndrome is nothing but an imitation artist itself. All it’s doing is repeating what it’s heard. How can an unoriginal fake challenge your authority to YOU? Alright then.

Ask a mf for the keys and receipt to you next time they talk shit. And that goes for that bitch ass anxiety too. I don’t recall setting a price it paid. Tell them to sing their alphabet. I comes before U every single time, baby. Every single damn time.

Make a few choices for yourself & write/record it. Pick an action for each one, and record that too. Appreciate and reward the new you for every single step on every single day (eat that Reese’s, Imani). If you slip, so? What would the new you do? Realize it & get right, or wallow in your “I suck” anxiety despair? You get to choose that too. It won’t be all automatic. It won’t all change after you put the pen/recording device down. The key to it is remembering two words; consent and choice. Do you consent to what anxiety decided instead? No? Did you make another choice? Try that next time then…as many next times as you need. It will feel weird and unnatural at first. That’s cool. It takes time to get to know someone, and that includes yourself.

Be fluid. Realize that the new you will change too. Realize that ability is the beautiful thing.

So, ME will see YOU around next time. I can’t wait to meet you again and again and again. I’ll leave you with these parting words.

“For what it’s worth… it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”

[Commonly attributed to F. Scott Fitzgerald, but that’s contested. Just read the damn quote lol.]

Love yall.

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